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Letter To A Friend In Need

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It’s Movember, a charity drive raising money for men’s health. One of the key focus areas is mental health. I am raising awareness on this issue by growing a moustache and writing about some of my struggles with mental health.

Most of these words come from a letter written in 2017 responding to a friend dealing with depression.

Hello friend,

Your story rings so true for me. My initial reaction to feelings of depression or dissatisfaction is to do something to change the situation, but you are right: whatever feelings I am having just follow me wherever I go. There is also a history of depression within my family.

Periods of depression have been a part of my life since at least my teenage years. They come and go, but fortunately over the years I’m slowly learning to manage them better. I have come to a place where I accept that I am susceptible to depression. I try to be vigilant for when those feelings arise.

There are several ways I have found to help deal with my episodes of depression. I think most important is approaching the feelings that go along with it with an attitude of love and acceptance, while also recognising that feelings are a temporary phenomenon that eventually will pass.

I know that probably sounds somewhat contradictory. What I mean is that it does me no good to beat myself up about feeling depressed. It is a natural part of the human experience, and rejecting those feelings doesn’t work. You know what it’s like when someone wants your attention. If you try to ignore them, they just get more insistent.

I like to picture depression as an upset child needing to be acknowledged and loved. At the same time, these feelings associated with depression are ephemeral, waves in the ocean of my emotions that rise and fall. If I give them too much power, then I become “depressed” versus experiencing feelings of depression. A meditation practice has helped immensely with this aspect of dealing with depression.

Some of the concrete ways I deal with depression include:

  • Meditation: helps me realise that feelings come and go, and that there is an inner stillness and sense of peace below the surface of all those chaotic emotions. I sit quietly anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes first thing almost every morning. When I am regular with this habit, everything in my life seems to go better.
  • Exercise
  • Spending time in nature. This helps me feel connected to something bigger than myself.
  • Helping others. This also helps me get outside my own head. I don’t do this one enough. When I get depressed, I tend to get too self-obsessed, which is precisely why I need to put more effort towards helping others when I’m feeling this way.
  • Food choices. I’ve been eating a lot less refined sugar, and being really mindful about the effects of caffeine and alcohol on my body. Too much sugar or caffeine leads to a roller coaster of highs and lows. Alcohol is a powerful depressant and no matter how happy it might make me feel at the moment, a big low is sure to follow. I’ve also been eating 99% vegan for the past several years and though I don’t know if it directly affects depression, physically I feel healthier and more energetic than when I was eating a more standard diet.
  • Write. Get those feelings out of my head and onto the page. Other creative activities could also serve this function.
  • Practice gratitude. Here’san article about keeping a gratitude journal. I will periodically make a list of the things I am grateful for.
  • Remember, there is a strong mind/body connection. If one is not right, the other will suffer. Many of the above tips have to do with this.
  • Don’t wallow in feelings of depression. Do Something. See above.

All this being said, I am not an expert and I do believe that seeing a counselor could be the right thing to do depending on your particular situation. I did for a little while in college after a big break-up, and it was extremely useful. Depression can be a serious issue that deserves the same level of care you would apply towards any other medical condition.

Okay, that was a lot of stuff. I also listened to a couple of podcasts yesterday by a meditation teacher I like about happiness if you are interested.

Happy For No Reason, Part 1

Happy For No Reason, Part 2

I hope some of this is helpful. Please let me know if I can be a resource in any way.

Your friend,

John

The Thief Who Steals My Life

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It’s Movember, a charity drive raising money for men’s health. One of the key focus areas is mental health. I am raising awareness on this issue by growing a moustache and sharing about some of my own struggles with mental health.

Written on April 20, 2020

I’ve been feeling depressed again lately. I think I sometimes try to deny it. Which is a natural reaction to these feelings.

I try to deny it because I don’t think I should be feeling this way. I don’t think I deserve to feel depressed. After all, my life is incredibly good. I could list off all the many ways this is true, but that would just be me trying to talk myself out of what I genuinely feel.

And so there is guilt. I feel guilty for feeling depressed because I have no reason to be depressed. So there is shame in there as well. I am ashamed of being depressed. I am ashamed that my depression colours my relationships with others. I am ashamed because I think I should be better able to rise above these feelings, and yet I can’t.

My meditation practice has greatly improved my relationship to depression. I can often now notice the feelings and bodily sensations that are present with depression. But I still struggle with not identifying with them, with not becoming them.

I feel a kind of empty, hollowed out space in my chest. I feel my face trapped in an almost quivering half-frown. I notice the lack of energy and motivation within me. I want to resist these feelings, though I know I should just allow them to be.

And sporadically, I do. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I welcome the feelings like a friend in need. I listen. And then, I act. Movement usually helps. A good run shakes me out of most of my stupors. Getting outside and feeling the sunshine, listening to the sounds of nature. Music. Laughter. Talking to a friend.

If I don’t act when I feel depressed, I will turn to distraction. The internet is my favourite these days, followed closely by obsessively cleaning the kitchen, or thinking about how I should and could be more productive but without actually producing much of anything. I can lose days doing these activities and finally awaken with regret at the time that I will never get back again.

Depression is a thief who steals my life.

You can help. Donate to the cause by visiting my fundraising page. Talk about mental health with your loved ones. Most importantly, if you yourself are suffering, reach out for help.

Let’s Talk About Depression

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It is likely that right now, you or someone you love is experiencing some degree of depression. I am. I have been moving in and out of periods of mild to moderate depression since I was young. Over the years, I have written much about depression, but have rarely shared this material with others.

There is some shame in admitting to feeling depressed. What right do I have to feel this way? My external circumstances have never been better. I am in a long-term relationship that is supportive and loving. My work is meaningful and interesting. I am currently in good health and don’t really have to worry much about finances.

But depression doesn’t care how good my life is. When everything is going well, depression can still seep into my bones and remove the joy from my day. Though I’m learning to make friends with depression, it is something I have to engage with in an ongoing basis.

This month, I am part of a team participating in Movember, a charity drive raising money for men’s health. One of the key focus areas is mental health. One man dies by suicide every minute of every day globally. Men are often reluctant to admit to having struggles and reaching out for support when needed. I hope to raise awareness on this issue by growing a moustache and sharing about some of my own struggles with mental health.

You can help to. Donate to the cause by visiting my fundraising page. Talk about mental health with your loved ones. Most importantly, if you yourself are suffering, reach out for help.