Lifestyle

Countdown New Zealand Day 30

05/07/2020 by John Leave a Comment

This is a series of posts that will log some of my thoughts in the month leading up to my moving back to New Zealand.

It will all be over sooner than I can imagine. My work at The Outdoor Academy is coming to a close. A month from now, we will once again be getting back on a plane to move our life half a world away.

But some of the reasons I didn’t want to be back in the States have faded. The background tension that I feel in this country has rewoven itself into my being. Once again I am used to my friends and family being nearby, whether I actually get the chance to see them or not. It will be a shock to once again leave a warm American summer and step off the plane into the middle of New Zealand winter. Whiplash.

I love my life, with all it’s crazy twists and turns. Five years ago a loaded down Toyota Matrix left the city limits of Asheville and headed westward. And I have been in near-constant motion ever since. I’ve flown over the Atlantic four times and the Pacific twice. I would have to think hard to remember how many crossings of the United States have occurred during this period of time.

What is it that keeps me aloft? Am I being blown by the winds of my own insecurity? Or is the high of looking down on the world from above just too addictive to me? From up here, I can just observe things and not get too involved, because getting involved requires me to be vulnerable, and I don’t like being vulnerable.

Can anything make me settle back down to the earth?

Will the stillness I sometimes feel within me ever permeate this body in motion?

The Season of Stuff

12/03/2019 by John 1 Comment

The season of stuff is officially upon us and it’s hitting me like a fever. The constant assault of advertisements and marketing emails is wearing me down as it often does this time of year. It’s like the water torture where little drops are rhythmically hitting you in the forehead. At first you might be able to ignore it, but eventually, it drives you insane.

The first desire was for a new watch, triggered by REI emails promising 20% off one full-priced item. Thankfully, GPS devices were excluded from that promotion. I then hunted around and discovered I could get the watch through a pro-deal for even less than the coupon would have allowed. Once I found this out, my frenzy dissipated. If I could get the watch at a good deal anytime, suddenly it wasn’t at all important that I got it now.

This drove home for me the fundamental marketing lesson of scarcity. Make people feel like they’ve got to act fast or else they will miss out on a deal. If I really needed the watch, I’d buy it whenever at whatever cost was required.

I wish I could say that getting past my moment of intense desire over buying a new watch allowed me to let go of it completely, but I still want that damn watch. Do I think it will make me run faster and with more stamina? Will it’s smaller size look more stylish on my bony wrists and not accentuate the skinniness of my arms quite so much? Surely knowing my heart rate by simply glancing down at my wrist will make my life better. Right?

My current big desire is for a new iPhone, and of course it needs to be the more expensive model. It’s got three cameras you know, because…, because…,

…because three is more than one?

I can justify a new phone more than the watch. Last April while living in New Zealand, I dropped my current phone onto the pavement and severely cracked the screen. But that was seven months ago. The phone still does way more than what a phone is supposed to do.

No, it’s camera doesn’t take great pictures in low light and I can’t just look at it to unlock it, but would these things have any tangible impact at all on my satisfaction with life? Meanwhile, the retirement funds are not yet topped off for the year, and I DO want to retire someday.

There are plenty of less expensive wants as well. New Bluetooth headphones (noise-canceling of course), an Apple pencil so I can doodle even though I have paper and pencil and still rarely doodle, and a bicycle. Ok, that last one is kind of expensive as well.

None of it will make me happy. This I know, and yet it is hard for my senses to internalize this knowledge. The want of stuff causes the heart to speed up and breathing to grow shallower. Fondling a new device at the Apple store feels like being on a date and wanting so badly to give them a kiss.

As I wade through these powerful feelings during the season of stuff, I hope to be mindful of my urges. I want to be able to ask myself some simple questions.

Does it serve a useful purpose?
Does it provide joy?
Do I already have something that serves this purpose or provides joy in this way?
Can I get more value from the things I already have?

Like all feelings, the ones these objects of desire incite will rise and fall. I need to remember this. I need to hold on while the waves pass. I need to remember that the times in my life when I’ve lived the most are also the times that I’ve had the least.

Introvert Know Thyself

11/21/2019 by John Leave a Comment

I was at a gathering last week and I had a beer for the first time since September. It tasted okay. When I first opened it, I took frequent sips, so I made an a conscious effort to slow down. After a long while of eating and talking, the beer was finished. The thought of getting a second one came and went throughout the rest of my time there. Each time, it did not take much effort to resist the urge. I wasn’t particularly enjoying the event and I knew that a second beer would not improve it and would only make getting a good night of sleep more challenging.

I feel a little bit of regret at letting go of my streak of alcohol-free days. Was it worth it? Not really, but on the other hand, I don’t feel like any harm was done either. As always, when a streak is over it will make the next time an opportunity arises to drink easier to say yes to.

But it is also a great opportunity to begin a new streak. Besides, it’s not about keeping score anyway. It’s about having a healthy relationship with alcohol. Which in my case I think is meandering ever more quickly into just saying no all the time. I’m just not seeing any added value to having alcohol in my life.

The other thing that became clear to me again was that I often don’t enjoy social gatherings. This tendency might be on the rise as I get older. For one thing, my aging ears just can’t separate the cacophony of voices enough to follow along with what’s going on.

But, I do love people. I love good conversation. I love sharing laughter, stories, and wisdom. I will walk beside you for miles to talk, but I’d rather not be in a room full of people all vying to be heard.

But more than remembering something I’ve known about myself for a long time now, I realized that it is okay for me to feel this way. I don’t have to like hanging out with a crowd. Which in my case, means more than a handful of people.

I like nothing better than the quiet parts of my day. I relish early morning hours of meditation and writing and sitting in bed at night with the lights down low reading a good book. It’s not what everyone likes, but it’s what I like and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Where I get myself into trouble is that I do need human interaction and I don’t do enough to meet this need in a way that works for me. Instead of reaching out to go for a walk or sit down and have a cup of coffee with people I enjoy, I default to showing up at social gathering where they will be. At these events, I never get to really connect with them unless we migrate into the margins of the party.

I know what I need to do. First, be okay with not being okay with social gatherings. Next, make the effort to connect with others in ways that feel right to me.

So give me a call and let’s meet at the coffee shop or go for a hike, but please don’t feel slighted if I choose not to show up at the party.