How often do I cede what to think about to others? The ubiquity of advertisements takes away much of my choice when it comes to where my attention goes. But often, I do have the choice. Every time I open up social media or subscribe to an email list, I am letting someone else decide what will occupy my mind for a period of time. It feels innocuous at the moment it is occurring but is it healthy when 12 or 24 hours later, I am still thinking about some random bit of information I let in?
The thing is, thoughts are little pebbles that roll downhill dislodging larger stones as they go until there is an avalanche. I often find myself buried in thoughts and unable to find the way out. An innocent glance at a Facebook post can lead to hours of researching a topic I never knew I had any interest in. Before I know it, the day is full of pursuing the thoughts and interests of someone else instead of my own.
I should be more mindful of how many times I open the door for new inputs to come in. I should be careful about the sources and ask myself if I am really getting any benefit from them. I want quality over quantity but I keep choosing quantity. I keep swimming in the shallow end of the pool of information when what I long for is to go deep.
I don’t know where to go from here and I think what I should do is to just stop being so concerned about it anyway. I’ve spent my life worrying too much about what’s next instead of appreciating what is. I’ve been constantly on the run from the slight discomfort of not feeling like I fit in enough, or that I don’t know enough to proceed, or because I think something is too difficult.
Another period of uncertainty has begun. Mary just finished her assignment in Chattanooga and we vacate our apartment this weekend. Then we will face the choice of too many choices and no good criteria for deciding how to pick one. This feels like familiar terrain to us at this point, but that makes it no less difficult to navigate.