Work

At Least The Dishes Are Clean

01/26/2018 by John 3 Comments

At Least The Dishes Are Clean

As I dropped her off this morning I noticed a feeling I often have during these moments while driving away from the bright glare of the hospital entranceway and back into predawn gloom. It is a feeling of panic, of being lost in the woods, and it brings to mind a question:

What do I do now?

Well, of course, I have a bazillion things I could do now. If ever in any doubt I need only check my bulging “To Do” list, filled with all sorts of unsavory tasks that I or someone else has decided that I should do. Many of them are so unpalatable that I shrink away from the thought of looking at the list. But there is so much time in front of me as I drive away from the hospital. I feel pressure to do something important so that when I return at the end of her long shift I can tell her all that I have accomplished, of the progress that I have made while she is working so hard to support our lives together.

So when I get home, I check the list. And there are so many things there that I truly do not want to do. But buried like treasure are things that I do want to do. Things that involve creating something of value for myself and others. Tasks that will further my goals and move me in a direction that I want to take my life. Tasks that need focus and dedication. Tasks that frighten me. Yes, these are the tasks I decide that I will do today.

But then I keep looking at that list, and I don’t begin to do any of the items I just told myself I wanted to do. I flip open a web browser and furtively look around. I decide I need to check my email to see if anything else needs to be added to the list, then switch back to the list to see if magically some of those things I don’t want to do might have just vanished. Discouraged that they have not, I turn back to my browser, hoping it has brought me something interesting, something to make me forget about all those things I have said that I am committed to doing. Perhaps it will bring me some new way to better organize the myriad details of my life, a way that is sure to straighten me out and get me doing the things I told myself I should be doing.

I need a break from the screen so I get up and I find things to do. I put things away. There are always things to be put away, an endless stream of things that have wandered far from their place of belonging. Someone must herd them. I am a herder. I tend to my flock.

Then there are the dirty dishes. Somehow they have learned to fornicate, and they love it, multiplying their numbers. Exponential growth is occurring. They must be cleansed, their sinful activities put to a stop. I baptize them with soap and water. Soon again, they return to their evil ways and must be cleansed again.

So tired now from the cleansing and herding, I decide I need some time to take care of me. I could go for a run, or maybe just a few minutes online….

Hours later, I emerge from an online stupor. It’s five-thirty, time to start thinking about making food for us. Off to the kitchen, where the dishes are fornicating once again. Damn them.

Seven forty-five and it’s back to the hospital to pick up her. The winter darkness enveloped the world two hours ago and the hospital entrance glares too brightly once again. As I pull up to the sliding glass doors I remember all those things that I wanted to do today, the things that would have made a difference and all I can feel is regret at what could have been. But hey, at least the dishes are clean.

Based on a journal entry from 1.9.14

Happy Anniversary North Carolina Outward Bound

10/19/2017 by John Leave a Comment

A crew mate and I beginning a night paddle while on the semester course in Everglades National Park.

I am back in Asheville this week to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the North Carolina Outward Bound School. When I arrived at Table Rock in the fall of 1996 to be a student on a semester-long course, I was 26 years old and utterly adrift. I was depressed, unsure of myself, and where I fit in. Eighty-something days and hundreds of miles hiked and paddled later, I awoke on a mountain in Costa Rica with a sea of stars overhead and something I don’t think I had felt in far too many years: possibility. After years of being asleep, my eyes opened to the wonders of the world around me, and the realization that I can do so much more than I ever imagined. Outward Bound not only taught me how to live, it taught me how to be alive.

Thank you North Carolina Outward Bound, and Happy 50th Anniversary.

I Am A Multipotentialite

09/09/2017 by John Leave a Comment

I want to play guitar, be a published writer, a web designer and developer, a vegan chef, train for another ultra, read lots of great books, become an ACA certified sea kayak instructor, practice meditation, etc, etc, etc. “Follow your curiosity” says Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert. I like that advice except for the fact that it has me running in many directions at once. I am curious about so many things. Did I mention I want to learn Spanish? And how to be a better bicycle mechanic?

My curiosity is my strength and my weakness. I am always seeking to learn something new, but my attention wanes quickly when something else interesting appears. This trait has made my knowledge base broad, but not particularly deep. As it stretches me in new directions, it also keeps me confused about which way to go.

Recently, I found a word that describes what I am. I am a multipotentialite. From Wikipedia, “multipotentialites generally have diverse interests across numerous domains and may be capable of success in many endeavors or professions, they are confronted with unique decisions as a result of these choices.” Unique decisions? Try analysis paralysis. With so many things I would like to do, how am I supposed to choose? And then there is the question of how do I find a fulfilling work life when so many things seem attractive to me?

This fall, I am trying to figure out how to combine my diverse skills and interests to create meaningful work. I am reading How to Be Everything: A Guide for Those Who (Still) Don’t Know What They Want to Be When They Grow Up by Emily Wapnick. Though I’m not through with it yet, so far it is proving to be helpful. As much as anything else, it is nice to know there are others out there like me. For too long, I worried that there was something wrong with me because I could not “find my passion”, that oh so damaging piece of self-help advice that just doesn’t work for everyone.

Maybe you have not “found your passion”. Maybe you never will. Maybe you too are a multipotentialite.